Roots and Wings

Have you ever felt torn between two realities? Like there’s a fork in the road with two very viable options but you’re not sure which one to choose? In most children’s stories, one of the paths is clearly better than the other. The wrong path has this mysterious, ominous presence and sometimes even when the wrong path isn’t obviously riddled with traps, the character somehow knows which one to pick. Why can’t it be that way in real life?

As I go into my last year of university, I have to think a lot more about what I want to do after school. It’s difficult to even conceptualize because school is all I’ve known for fifteen years. How am I supposed to figure out what my calling is after doing one thing for so long? That’s not what scares me most though. The main problem is, I can see different versions of my life and both of them seem to fit. I see myself graduating, getting a corporate job as an actuary, living in a bustling city, in an apartment. I see myself going to the gym, reading, networking and making meaningful friendships where we motivate as well as nurture each other. I can see myself becoming more confident, trying things I never thought I would and getting more comfortable in my skin.

Where I’m from, people don’t really move away. And whenever they do - permanently - it’s almost like a mortal sin has been committed. Being from a third world country in Africa and having access to a great education in another country almost morally obligates you to give back to your home. Not only do I owe it to my parents, I feel like I owe it to my entire country to bring back the skills I’ve learned and try my best to improve our economy in whichever way I can. Aside from that, I also just love my home. I lived there for sixteen years, and as much as I like to consider myself an open-minded person, I must admit that a lot of the opinions I have and my perception of the world is shaped by my home. I love how important community is to us, I love how much people care for each other and the way a child is raised by not just their parents but a multitude of people who are invested in their growth. I love how friendly we are and our lackadaisical approach to life. I love that even in the toughest situations, we make the best of it and learn to be happy regardless of circumstances. But does that mean I should just abandon all my dreams of becoming an actuary and all the hard work I’ve put in until now?

I was watching Sweet Home Alabama recently and I think Melanie said it best, “Since when does it have to be one or the other? You can have roots and wings.” I so badly want to believe that. I love my roots but I feel like I owe it to myself to see what I can do and truly give this career a chance. It doesn’t help that the two places I love are tens of thousands of miles away and that my home doesn’t have a market for actuaries. It really feels like I’m just biding my time until I have to pick one.

I hope that if the day arrives where I must decide - that I can live peacefully with my choice because I believe there’s no worse experience in life than regret. Regretting not doing something when you had the chance has to be one of the most frustrating and painful feelings especially when you know you’ll never get the opportunity again. I hope that I can be honest enough to choose correctly, if it comes to that, and brave enough to follow through.