As I go into my last year of university, I have to think a lot more about what I want to do after school. It’s difficult to even conceptualize because school is all I’ve known for fifteen years. How am I supposed to figure out what my calling is after doing one thing for so long? That’s not what scares me most though. The main problem is, I can see different versions of my life and both of them seem to fit. I see myself graduating, getting a corporate job as an actuary, living in a bustling city, in an apartment. I see myself going to the gym, reading, networking and making meaningful friendships where we motivate as well as nurture each other. I can see myself becoming more confident, trying things I never thought I would and getting more comfortable in my skin.

Where I’m from, people don’t really move away. And whenever they do - permanently - it’s almost like a mortal sin has been committed. Being from a third world country in Africa and having access to a great education in another country almost morally obligates you to give back to your home. Not only do I owe it to my parents, I feel like I owe it to my entire country to bring back the skills I’ve learned and try my best to improve our economy in whichever way I can. Aside from that, I also just love my home. I lived there for sixteen years, and as much as I like to consider myself an open-minded person, I must admit that a lot of the opinions I have and my perception of the world is shaped by my home. I love how important community is to us, I love how much people care for each other and the way a child is raised by not just their parents but a multitude of people who are invested in their growth. I love how friendly we are and our lackadaisical approach to life. I love that even in the toughest situations, we make the best of it and learn to be happy regardless of circumstances. But does that mean I should just abandon all my dreams of becoming an actuary and all the hard work I’ve put in until now?

I was watching Sweet Home Alabama recently and I think Melanie said it best, “Since when does it have to be one or the other? You can have roots and wings.” I so badly want to believe that. I love my roots but I feel like I owe it to myself to see what I can do and truly give this career a chance. It doesn’t help that the two places I love are tens of thousands of miles away and that my home doesn’t have a market for actuaries. It really feels like I’m just biding my time until I have to pick one.

I hope that if the day arrives where I must decide - that I can live peacefully with my choice because I believe there’s no worse experience in life than regret. Regretting not doing something when you had the chance has to be one of the most frustrating and painful feelings especially when you know you’ll never get the opportunity again. I hope that I can be honest enough to choose correctly, if it comes to that, and brave enough to follow through.

I’m turning 21 today, which is supposed to be a big deal. It feels like an age that I should be excited about, right? Like I should go out and get drunk and have fun and while that all sounds very appealing I’m in the middle of finals season right now so prior engagements prevent me from doing all that. On top of that, with turning 21 comes a sense of responsibility. Like maybe I should take a step back and evaluate my life up to this point, you know? Like I should think about the decisions I’ve been making and whether they’re serving the version of me that I aspire toward; or I should be determining what habits I want to carry with me into adulthood and what I want to leave behind. It all seems really hefty and loaded, like something I need to sit and mull over by myself until I reach a state of enlightenment. But then again, the process of becoming an adult can’t be an overnight transformation right? Even if I do my internal check-ins and try my best to start this year off right, there’s bound to be mistakes I’m going to make and lessons I’m going to learn, so is it even worth it to put so much pressure on this one day?

Maybe instead of trying to see what I should change, I should reflect on what I liked about this past year and the years before it. Something interesting I’ve noticed is as I get older, I become more like myself while simultaneously becoming different. There are traits about myself that become more deeply embedded in me and there are things that surprise me. For example, I’ve always been a regimented person. I like to have a plan and a routine for each day and I hate the feeling of a day stretching ahead of me with nothing to fill it with. I’ve always been that way. However, recently, I’ve become more spontaneous. In the midst of my meticulously planned out schedules, I’ve allowed room for impulsiveness and in general I guess I’m just less closed off. There have been people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had that my younger self would have nearly fainted over because they seem so far out of my character, but thinking about it now, it’s something I’m quite proud of.

These days I’m not afraid to look silly. To be vulnerable, to be honest with myself and others. I’m not scared of simply seeing where my day and my life takes me instead of trying to control everything. It’s something I think maybe in the past I would have seen as a flaw, like “How could you have been so careless?” But now I’m impressed at myself for doing things I thought I would always be too afraid to.

I’m also proud of my optimism. I used to be such an anxious person. As a kid, I would feel almost paralyzed by fear if things didn’t follow the script I had in my head. It felt like my world was crumbling and I had to quickly pick up the pieces and form a contingency plan. I think coming to university really helped. Being surrounded by a plethora of people, from my high achieving classmates to my carefree roommates and friends, I’ve met so many different kinds of people that have changed my outlook on work and life in general. Meeting these people made me realise everyone is figuring out life as they go and those feelings of uncertainty and self-doubt I was so afraid of are normal human emotions. Even people that I admire who seem to have everything together have told me they feel the same way. That showed me that my best is about all I can do, and most of the time it really is enough. If I am disciplined and diligent, there’s no need to try and control everything, because somehow, someway, things will align the way they were meant to.

It’s crazy to me that people that have met me recently think I’m a lighthearted, easygoing person. If they knew who I was a few years prior, I think they’d be stunned. That’s something else I appreciate about university. Meeting all these new people has allowed me to reinvent myself. I came into these new relationships just trying to be the best version of me with the assurance that these people don’t have any preconceived notions of me. I think it comforted me that they wouldn’t make fun of me if I wanted to try something new or rebrand because they had no idea who I was before. For all they know, the version of me they met is the one I’ve always been (although that couldn’t be further from the truth). It’s such a freeing feeling and I think it affected me subconsciously more than I realised. The fact that I’ve changed so drastically isn’t just the result of internally shifting my perspective, it’s also the fact that I was in a new environment with more open minded people.

I guess what I’m saying is I’m grateful for all my experiences. Even with the academic pressure and the constant hustle and bustle; even though sometimes my inner dialogue is reminiscent of that scared little girl. The fact that I’ve grown this much in a few years amazes me and makes me hopeful for all the positive changes I’ll undergo in the future.

Writing this, I’m beginning to think getting older isn’t all bad. Maybe it’s not as scary and nebulous of a concept as I had thought. Maybe all the heartbreak, the discomfort, the transformation, the healing - is a prelude for what the rest of my life will look like. If it is, I think I’m okay with that. I think the time spent away from loved ones makes time together more poignant and precious, the time spent being busy makes relaxing more therapeutic. The time away from my hobbies and passions makes coming back to them even more exciting.

I hope that next year the list of things that have changed and that surprise me about myself just gets longer. I hope I become even more free and bold and sensitive and more open. I hope I get to know myself even better and that I honour my true feelings. I hope I take better care of myself, of my body and mind and that I treat myself with the respect and care I deserve. I hope next year when I look back on me as a 21 year old I’m proud of the person I see.

On the way back from school I saw people having picnics, girls going on runs, people playing in the park and it just warmed my heart. There’s something beautiful about spring. It’s not the heat of summer, it’s the glimmer of hope we all feel; the smiling faces, the bare legs. It’s the fact that it happens every year and we still act as though it’s the first time. You really don’t realise how much your environment is affecting you until it changes.

Anyway, this day just made me feel a bit more like myself. When I think of the times that I would describe as “truly me”, I think of when I’m mentally challenged, but not overwhelmed. I think of exercise, I think of connection, I think of music and long walks and writing and daydreaming - and today felt a lot like that. I hope that as the days go by I just continue to feel more and more like who I truly am and who I aspire to be.

I was trying to come up with a cool and interesting topic to talk about after my long hiatus but I thought it might be kind of rude to just jump back into my old routine without any explanation. Plus, it feels most authentic to myself to just write about what I’m really feeling right now.

So last summer, I started this page and I fell in love with Substack. Every morning, I would read people’s posts and notes like my daily newspaper. I loved that there was a community of readers and thinkers and deeply introspective people just like me. Mostly, I loved how it wasn’t weird to leave long, heartfelt comments on a stranger’s posts just because I saw myself in them or felt moved by their work. It felt like home. In the summer, although I was busy, it wasn’t nearly as bad as during the school year. I would block out time each day to make a post, a note, a comment - something. It didn’t even feel like I had to make a conscious effort if I’m being honest because I just loved being on this app so much.

When school started again, it was almost like this timer went off in my brain that told me it was time to get serious again. Like these two parts of my life can’t coexist. The funny thing is, I’ve had blogs before, and I can’t even count how many journal entries I’ve written over the course of my life. But each time, I get to this crossroads where I tell myself I need to choose one thing and pour my all into it. I think it stems from this fear that if I try and do both, I’ll half-ass my writing and won’t really like what I create. Or worse, I’m afraid that writing will begin to feel like a chore instead of fun like it’s always been. But now I’m beginning to realise something. For as long as I can remember, writing has been my release. When I was little and I had a complicated feeling I couldn’t quite voice or process, I would write it in my journal. If ever there are words I want to say but feel like I can’t articulate in the moment, I write them down and it all of a sudden becomes crystal clear. When I’m writing, it feels like the words come out of me on their own and I’m just a conduit, letting them flow through me.

In a world of things I have to do, of duties I have to fulfil and checklists I must tick off, writing is my freedom. It’s my opportunity to put all the fancy new words I’ve learned in my books to good use; to play with sentence structures and different cadences. It’s my chance to stray away from using the left side of my brain to the right for a change. So why is it that when I take time away from it, I get scared. The longer I spend, the more the idea begins to loom over me. More and more imposing by the day. It’s simultaneously the thing I want to do most and the thing I’m most afraid of. Especially on an app like this where everywhere I turn there’s someone posting a beautiful piece of prose or a whole 3 part story. I guess maybe I feel inadequate? Or maybe I care too much about whether or not people will like what I have to say. Like what if no one cares about my long winded essay on the epiphanies I’ve had in the last couple of months or what new conclusions I’ve come to about myself?

Even now, I’m having to convince myself that if no one reads this, it’s fine. At least it’s a start. It’s me telling myself that it’s okay to publish something that’s not perfect if it means I get the hang of expressing myself again. I already feel much calmer and strangely kind of excited. I think maybe it’s my mind confirming to me that I am ready.

If you read up to this point, thank you for being patient with me, I promise I’m going to do better. :)

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in another era of my life. It’s the summer after my second year at university - granted, it’s been a very hectic academic year for me - and I can’t help but feel like I’m falling into the same old rut. I’m growing complacent. Not in my schoolwork, but with life. Now that I’m not adjusting to a new city or trying to make new friends, I’ve fallen into this “safe” routine. I haven’t been going out when people ask me because I’m worried about people back home seeing and judging me. I’m scared of them perceiving me as anything other than the studious girl they know me to be. Obviously I have to study for my actuarial exam and before that I was doing summer credits and before that it was second semester and finals and all that chaos. But, really, I think I’ve been justifying my evading people by dubbing it as me “being responsible”.

Don’t get me wrong. My education is important to me. I wouldn't be working so hard if it wasn’t. But I think when I start to use it as an excuse to avoid spending time with people and just living, that’s when things get murky.

I’m beginning to feel that familiar restlessness in my chest. That feeling that tells me, “You’re not being true to what you really want. Sure, you’re technically doing the right things. You’re studying as much as you can without burning out, you’re calling and checking in with your long distance friends and family but you’re neglecting you.” I keep telling myself, “As soon as I finish finals, when I’m done with this summer course, once I finish this exam, then I’ll let loose and enjoy myself.” Which is ironic because I always preach to other people not to let timelines rule their lives and that there’s no perfect time to do anything. It’s just hard to take your own advice sometimes you know?

As I was ruminating on this topic, (as one does when they have an overactive brain) I realised that even better than the feeling of getting a good grade after studying hard or surmounting a difficult challenge is looking back on the person I am and feeling content. I remember the way I felt when I graduated high school. The memories I remember most aren’t getting academic awards or the classes I took, it’s the nights spent laughing with my best friend when we should have been asleep. It’s the stimulating conversations with my English teacher about the meaning behind a line in a Langston Hughes poem. It’s the sports days lounging in the sun with my friends between events. If you asked me to recite the grades I got on my assignments I couldn’t tell you but I’ll never forget the feeling of camaraderie on the girls’ basketball trip to Quebec for a tournament and the anticipation before every game. I’ve realised that the most important things in my life lie in connections I’ve made with people - especially the ones that have changed my word view irrevocably. When I think about my experience in high school, although I cringe at my awkwardness in the beginning, I feel grateful. And the best part is, I didn’t have to neglect my education to have the experiences I did. If anything, making friends and spending time with them made the workload more bearable.

My point is, I’ve definitely been lying to myself recently. For what reason, I don’t really know. Maybe I’m afraid I won’t meet people as amazing as I did back then or love as deeply as I did. The one thing I know for sure is I don’t want to look back at this year and feel like I wasted it because I was too afraid to put myself out there. Every single time I’ve tried something adventurous like talking to someone I typically wouldn’t or playing a new sport or even making a Substack account, I’ve been rewarded tenfold so I don’t know why it’s still so scary to me.

From now on, I’m going to stop using my studies as an excuse not to live my life. As I get older, it becomes more apparent that there are fewer feelings worse than regret. I want my future self to look back on this season not as something I merely survived, but as a time overflowing with moments and people that made life worth remembering. Whatever comes next, I’ll meet it fully. Because it always works out when you choose to live.

In hindsight, I think I might’ve gotten it wrong.

The truth is, before summer even began, I was already running on fumes. I had just finished an intense semester packed with five math and statistics courses, and had so much going on in my personal life. By the time finals ended, I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Normally, I go home for the summer to rest and be with my family, but this year was different. Everywhere I turned, someone was announcing a new internship, a job, a major opportunity. It felt like every time I opened LinkedIn, another person from my high school was outpacing me. And even though I’d just survived one of the hardest semesters of my life, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was falling behind.

So I did what panic often drives us to do - I overcorrected. I signed up for summer classes and started studying for Exam P, one of the major hurdles aspiring actuaries have to clear. I hadn’t planned to take it this early. I thought I’d wait until next year. But in that moment, comparison drowned out logic, and I threw myself into work I wasn’t ready for, just to feel like I was catching up.

Instead of going back home, lounging away in the summer sun, reading gothic novels and writing to my heart’s content, I’ve been spending my summer studying nearly every day. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or like I regret my decision. I think taking summer classes and studying for this exam gave me a structure and routine to my day that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Plus, I’ll still have all of August to rest, and that brings me comfort. But part of me wishes I had just listened to my body back in April when it was quietly, desperately asking for a break. I wish I hadn’t let comparison convince me that my own accomplishments weren’t enough. Because the truth is, even after all the effort I’ve poured into this summer by taking extra credits and studying for a notoriously hard exam, I still don’t feel like I’m “where I’m supposed to be.”

That’s where Substack comes in. I’m eternally grateful for this space. Writing here has helped me untangle my thoughts, reflect on what I’m learning, and remind myself that life isn’t always about pushing forward. Sometimes, the win is simply pausing. Listening to your body. Telling the truth. And being here, with all of you, has reminded me that I don’t need to be hyper-productive or impressive to be worthy of space. I just have to be honest. And I’ve been met with so much love because of it.

So now, as my exam date nears and the time to go home fast approaches, I’m finally going to shut out all the noise that’s telling me I’m not doing enough or that I’m falling behind my peers and I’m just going to relax. I’m going to truly shut my brain off and just be. I’m going to do the things and read the books and spend time with the people that make me happy and I’m not going to feel guilty about it for a whole month. Just the thought fills me with so much joy and anticipation. I know I often come on here to talk about struggles I’ve already overcome, that’s because it’s easier to reflect when you’ve made it to the other side. But I’m learning to be honest mid-struggle too. And I hope that honesty encourages someone else to pause, to rest, and to stop comparing themselves to people they barely even know.

I’m still figuring out how to notice burnout before it flattens me. I’m still learning how to rest without guilt. I’m learning to listen. To my body, to my boundaries, and to that small, wise voice that says, “You don’t need to do more to be enough.” This summer didn’t go the way I imagined, but I think it gave me exactly what I needed: the courage to pause, the space to reflect, and the reminder that rest is not a reward, it’s a right. I’m getting better at seeing the signs now, at taking a break when I need to and that must count for something. Maybe that’s the quiet kind of growth we overlook because it doesn’t come with a certificate or a LinkedIn announcement. But that doesn’t make it any less real.

I typically keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I process just about everything internally, and I think a lot. I observe a lot. But I don’t always feel the need to share, and to some people I probably come off as closed-off or emotionally distant, even when I’m not trying to be.

I enjoy being alone. Whether it’s reading, listening to music, going on walks, or watching anime, I find joy and refreshment in spending time with myself. There’s nothing like alone time at the end of a busy day when you can stop speaking and just be. It’s the most liberating feeling and something I look forward to when school gets really hectic.

It’s summertime now, and that means I don’t really have to interact with people unless I want to. During the school year, I have to talk to teachers, classmates, roommates, and of course friends and family. But now, I don’t have to speak to anyone if I don’t feel like it. I’ve found that some days I barely speak at all. I usually go to the library, the gym, and back to my house, so there’s not much reason to talk to anyone.

If you had asked me during the school year, that would have sounded like heaven. No awkward interactions, no racking my brain for something witty or interesting to say. Just existing. But now that I’m actually here, I’m realizing it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

I enjoy being alone, but that doesn’t mean I always want to be. When I really think about it, it’s not spending time with people that drains me. It’s pretending. Pretending to be outgoing when I’m not. Pretending to be bubbly and cheerful when I don’t feel that way. Pretending to be invested in random small talk.

That kind of thing makes me feel like I could go my whole life without speaking to another soul. On the other hand, when I think about having a deep conversation with friends where it feels like we’re getting to know each other better and becoming closer, or sitting in easy silence with my siblings because they already understand me, it becomes clear that I do crave connection just like everybody else.

When I think about the relationships that fulfill me, I realize I don’t actually want to be alone all the time. Just because I’m an introvert doesn’t mean I’m immune to loneliness. I know that might sound like common sense, but for me it really was an epiphany. I assumed that because I enjoyed my own company, I couldn’t possibly be lonely. How could I be, when I had so much fun by myself?

Needless to say, it was a humbling realization.

Instead of following my first instinct, which was to throw myself into parties and social events, I’m taking a more intentional route. I’ve learned that socializing often feels counterintuitive because it’s full of the shallow, meaningless interactions I’m trying to avoid.

What I want is to be understood, even if it’s not completely. I just want to have a conversation that feels real and not like we’re both performing. I used to believe that kind of connection only happened with a select few people you meet in your lifetime. But now I see that the more I show up as myself, the more I invite that same warm and curious energy into my life.

It’s not like I’ve made best friends with every person I’ve met since changing my mindset. But I’ve had more purposeful and fulfilling conversations. I understand now that when I enter a social interaction with jaded, unwilling energy, the conversation is almost doomed before it even begins. These days, when I approach people with a bit more hope and curiosity, I find that they’re much more down to earth than I expected. I connect with them more than I ever did when I was too preoccupied with saying the right thing or making the right expression.

I still have my awkward moments. But I’m learning that those aren’t the end of the world. And I’ve had some amazing conversations in spite of my clumsy tendencies.

I know there are a lot of introverts on this app. Substack feels like a safe place for people like me, reflective people who bloom in silence, so I’m sure some of you can relate.

I just want to encourage you not to limit yourself to what feels familiar, whether that means keeping to yourself or avoiding discomfort. When we question the things we’ve always accepted about ourselves, we grow. If I hadn’t leaned into the discomfort of being alone, I never would have found this new perspective. And I wouldn’t have experienced the deeper, more meaningful conversations that followed.

Just because you’ve always been one way doesn’t mean you can’t change. It’s bad enough that other people’s perceptions hold us back. Don’t let your own do the same.

But the beautiful thing about getting older is that you begin to see the similarities between yourself and the people you once admired, even idolized.

Take my parents, for example. They used to feel like superheroes. I never saw any issues between them. Their relationship seemed like a perfectly united front, not a single crack to be found. Individually, they seemed invincible too. My mother had this unshakeable trust in God, and my father worked so hard it was almost robotic. I’d look at them and wonder how I’d ever compare when I got to their age. What if the self-doubt I felt never went away? What if I couldn’t trust myself? How could I raise confident kids if I wasn’t confident in who I was? That thought used to really discourage me.

Now that I’m older, I’ve come to know my parents as human beings, not just as “Mom” and “Dad,” but as people. And I’ve realized they’re a lot more like me than I ever thought.

Two things happened as I grew. First, they became more comfortable showing me their flaws. They didn’t feel the need to pretend everything was perfect all the time. Even now, they still present as a united front. To this day, I’ve never seen them argue. But they’re more open with how they really feel. It’s strange, but also comforting. It reminds me that they don’t have it all figured out either.

Second, I started to humanize them. They were no longer these god-like figures. I see the bags under my dad’s eyes and realize he needs rest too. I notice the way my mom prays when she’s stressed, or the quiet worry in her eyes. They get tired, excited, overwhelmed, and uncertain, just like I do. The only real difference is that they’ve lived longer and know themselves a little better.

And that realization didn’t just apply to my parents. I’ve envied almost anyone who seemed to have their life together. A girl at the gym who looks amazing makes me think, “she must feel so confident.” A student who understands everything right away makes me wish I could be in their mind. I compare myself constantly, even when I don’t mean to. I look at people and think they’ve arrived.

But the other day I journalled, and things became clearer, like they always do when I put pen to paper. I realised that to someone else, I might be that girl.

To someone else, I might look like I’ve arrived.

I might be the gym girl. The student they wish they were. I actually am pretty hardworking. I show up. I try. I care. And that means it’s entirely possible that someone out there is comparing themselves to me.

That thought felt wild because I know how much I struggle internally. I feel like I’m constantly chasing this elusive “best version” of myself. The one with the dream body, dream job, dream life. And I always imagine that once I become her, I’ll never feel insecure again.

But here’s the thing. If you asked me three years ago what that version of me looked like, I’d probably say someone who journals, writes consistently, goes to the gym, eats well, prays often, and has meaningful relationships. And honestly, that’s who I am now.

So why don’t I feel like her?

Because I’ve moved the goalpost.

I’m living in answered prayers, and I barely noticed. I’m so focused on where I want to go that I forget how far I’ve already come.

And maybe there is no final destination. When I ask my parents, they don’t believe they’ve reached it, so why should I expect to? Maybe this perfect version I chase is just something I created to make the struggle feel worth it. And while it motivates me, it can also steal the joy of what I’ve already built. It blinds me to the progress I’ve made.

I never thought I’d have the courage to start a Substack, let alone share the kind of personal reflections I do now. That alone is something to be proud of. But if I compare myself to a Substack channel with thousands of subscribers, my accomplishments look miniscule.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: It’s human to compare. It’s human to wish we were further along. But that doesn’t mean you’re not already doing enough. If you’re staying true to yourself, working hard, and doing your best, that’s enough. You’re already someone past-you dreamed of being and that’s an incredible feat.

Even if you’re not where you want to be, at least you’re not where you used to be. That’s something worth celebrating. 💗

Before that, I had no idea what attachment styles were. I’d heard of horoscopes and MBTI, but this felt different. Reading the breakdown was like someone had read my mind. It said avoidant types tend to disconnect from negative emotions, downplay the importance of relationships, and avoid emotional closeness. Not because they don’t want it, but because it feels threatening. It’s something I had already realised but had never acknowledged or dwelt on because I was afraid of what it would mean.

Once I got my results, I tried to remember where this attachment style stemmed from. Immediately, I thought about my mother. When I was younger and tried to open up about how her actions hurt me, I’d either be guilt-tripped or told I was being ungrateful. Even the rare times when she comforted me in the moment, she would later throw it back in my face or mock me for being emotional. Over time, I stopped turning to her. Not because I didn’t love her, but because I couldn’t trust her with my vulnerability.

With my dad, it was different. He was calm, quiet, and hardworking. The provider for our family. As a kid, I idolized him. He spent most of his time working, and while I respected him for it, it meant we didn’t have time to build much of a bond. We didn’t really get to know each other as people, so now we feel like strangers. If we’re not watching a movie, listening to a podcast or doing some kind of activity together, there’s not much to say. However, I convinced myself I didn’t need emotional closeness with him. I told myself that him taking care of me and my siblings was enough and that he was a great dad in that regard. I didn’t really need him to be emotionally present…did I?

Eventually, I started believing that the only person I could rely on was myself. I love both my parents, and I know they did their best, but through their actions they showed me that vulnerability was just a pipeline for being ridiculed and embarrassed and I didn’t want to feel that way ever again.

For a while, I even looked down on people who were sensitive or emotional. I thought I was so much stronger for being detached. But really, that was just fear. Fear of being dismissed like I had been by my mom, or of feeling the quiet distance that existed between me and my dad. Acting like I didn’t care was easier than risking the hurt that came with actually admitting I did.

That quiz was such an unexpected wake-up call for me because it was something I had known all along but didn’t want to accept. Obviously, I’m a human being and I crave to be deeply known and loved. I want my friends, family and romantic relationships to see the value in me when I’m the best version of myself but even more so when I’m low and unsure of myself. I still struggle a lot with being open and sharing my true feelings with people though, it’s not automatic for me like it is with most people. I have to practically force myself to share when someone upsets me or when I’m going through a hard time instead of choosing the easiest option of pushing people away. It takes so much courage for me to “yes” when my friends ask if I need help or if I’m struggling instead of just holding it all in and talking to them about it when I’m feeling better. Opening up to people is scary, but weirdly enough, people enjoy it. I’ve never been closer with my friends than when I’m honest about my feelings and I realise now that when I shut them out and try and deal with things alone, I’m not only robbing them of the opportunity to be there for me but I’m robbing myself of the beauty and intimacy that comes with being real.

I’m still figuring this out so I don’t have any great advice from over the hump to give you if you’re struggling with distancing yourself in your relationships. All I can say is that I know better than anyone how scary closeness can be. It’s like the closer people are, the more likely they are to see your imperfections and the likelier they are to abandon or reject you. In the same breath though, the closer they are the more they are able to support you when you’re weak and be there for you in times of need. You can’t find the unconditional love and familiarity you so desperately want if you don’t take the risk of being understood first. Just try it with one person and see how it plays out, more likely than not they’ll appreciate and embrace your openness and who knows, it could elevate your relationship to new heights - all because you took one simple step of faith.

Shame on me for changing, no, shame on you for staying the same.

As someone who has struggled with trying to be pleasant and agreeable for people, this part of the song was so powerful and I felt as though she was speaking directly to me. It was like she was saying: ‘I know you feel like you owe it to the people who have known you for a long time to be the sweet, grounded, unproblematic girl you’ve always been. But you’ve changed, you’re not the same as you were 2 years ago let alone 4. And that’s okay. If they can’t accept that you’ve grown then they’re keeping you stagnant. It’s okay to let go of the things that no longer serve you.”

It’s so hard to show up as the new version of yourself to people who have already categorized you in their mind as one thing. Especially when you love them because you’re terrified of disappointing them. I found that when I would come home from school and be with my family, I would undo all the work I had done on myself. I would essentially shrink myself down and try to be who I thought they wanted me to be, to my own detriment of course. I found myself dreading going home because I hated the discomfort I felt when I was there. Instead of feeling like I was back in a familiar place, I felt cramped, like I was trying to fit into clothes I had outgrown but didn’t want to admit it. I was angry with myself. Every time I spoke up about something I didn’t like or would do something “out of character” for the version of me they were expecting, I would ask myself later, “Why couldn’t you have been cool? You just had to make it uncomfortable for everyone.” I wished desperately I could be the girl they wanted me to be, but being true to myself has become such a non negotiable in my life that I physically couldn’t be fake anymore. I had changed and I realised it meant more to me to be at peace with myself and at odds with others than to be on good terms with people while hating myself.

It was at this time that I listened to Spotless Mind. I had heard the song before but I hadn’t paid attention to the lyrics. When she said,

I never really settled down

Without a place to call home

I got so used to the changes

Moving from stranger to strangest

You should face it

I am crazy

I felt so seen. I finally felt like it was okay to reinvent yourself. It was okay to shed your old skin and metamorphose into something better. Listening to her gave me the permission to be myself, without feeling guilty or ashamed. She showed me how to embrace this new me instead of berating myself and taught me that it wasn’t my fault if people didn’t understand who I was now. Sometimes we outgrow people. Sometimes people are meant for a season of our lives, to teach us something in that moment and then we grow apart. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us, it just means we are meant to find the people that align with our new goals and dreams and values.

The people back home couldn’t fathom that I was no longer a doormat, and I wouldn’t just shut up despite feeling strongly about something anymore. Spotless Mind confirmed to me that it isn’t my problem that they can’t understand that, nor is it my responsibility to try and explain it to them. I’ve changed and they haven’t. Maybe one day they’ll change and we’ll find each other again, or maybe they won’t and we’ll continue to grow apart. Whatever happens, I’m just glad to know I don’t have to hide who I am or shrink myself to make other people more comfortable. I’m free to make mistakes and try new things and change my mind and contradict myself as much as I need to in order to discover who I really am and that’s so much easier to do when you have supportive people in your corner instead of people who guilt trip you over every small thing.

If you’re exhausted trying to keep up a version of yourself for others, let it go. You don’t need to manage their emotions, it’s not your job. This is me giving you the same permission Jhené gave me to be yourself, fully. Yes, it might get lonely when you lose people who only liked the version of you that served them. But what you gain is freedom. Peace. Room to grow into who you really are. And the people who meet you there? They won’t try to keep you small. They’ll grow with you. The sooner you realise that it’s not shame on you for changing but shame on them for staying the same, the sooner you can be all you were meant to be, unfettered and unafraid.

All my life I’ve been an introvert. Whether I’m on a walk listening to music or in a corner with a good book, doing things alone has always brought me so much peace and recharged my soul in a way nothing else ever could. It’s just easy. There’s no one to entertain, no one to impress, and you can be carefree and be your most authentic self. You can let your thoughts run wild and daydream for hours, or you can concentrate really hard and complete a difficult task with no distractions. I’ve always found being alone to be one of the most enjoyable experiences in my existence.

🌀 The Weight of Social Interaction

One of the downsides of being an introvert, though, is we can be socially awkward. It’s hard to make conversation with people, especially new people, if you haven’t learned about their likes and dislikes or had any shared experiences together. I used to get extremely nervous on the first day of school while my siblings would be buzzing with excitement at seeing their friends again. While I was never a loner or shy necessarily, I just felt this unease in my chest at the thought of another day having to interact with people. It was almost like I had to inhabit this new persona, this interesting, charismatic, funny girl, and keeping up with that was exhausting. By the end of the day I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my bed and not even look at another human being. It sounds antisocial, and believe me, I know.

🧠 The Mental Drain of Pretending

Sadly, that’s how most of my high school experience went. Now that I’m in university, I’m able to examine those encounters more objectively. I know now that the reason I felt so exhausted after spending time with people was because of my mentality. As I said, before I would go to school I would adopt this extroverted, happy-go-lucky character because I assumed that would make me more likable, and while it worked, it left me drained and reluctant to have to do it all again the next day. I was worried that if people knew the real me—the introspective, mercurial, cynical person I only felt comfortable sharing with my siblings—they would judge me. Or worse, they’d find me boring and simply ignore me. I assumed my real personality was too unconventional for people to actually like and too mundane for them to be excited by. I wake up at seven and go to bed by ten. I like to have a routine and to watch my comfort shows over and over. I like things that feel familiar, and I feel fulfilled by challenging myself in areas like math where I start out bad but improve slowly and steadily. I can be empathetic, but my humour can also be dark and cruel, and honestly, I can be a bit narcissistic. I’m not really interested in having long conversations about grandiose, amorphous topics if they have nothing to do with me, and I find more pleasure in figuring out my own life problems than discussing all the things wrong with the world. What would people say if they knew that? How would they view me?

🎭 Hiding in Plain Sight

I couldn’t bear to find out the answer, so I just kept pretending. I told myself that as long as I had some time to myself at the end of the day, I could rest, recharge and keep up the façade. Ignoring the niggling feeling inside of me, I assimilated and was whatever people wanted of me. To more shy and quiet people, I was loud and outgoing; to extroverted people, I was a good active listener; to emotional people, I was a source of stability and comfort. And as a result, a lot of people liked me. I succeeded.

Then COVID happened, and I didn’t have to see anyone in person. I hate to make light of a global epidemic, but those two years were an introvert’s dream. All I did was stay in my house and binge-watch anime and read books to my heart’s content. I didn’t have to think about making the right expression to someone’s long-winded story or coming up with small talk in the hallway. I was finally free!

😨 Reentry Anxiety

But of course, when that era came to an end, I was further ensconced in my own awkwardness and self-isolated bubble than before, and the anxiety I felt about potentially returning to society nearly winded me. I didn’t want to go back. The mere thought of having to deal with people again made me feel fatigued. I dreaded every day until I had to return to school, and to make things worse, I was starting at a brand-new school, so all the progress I made with my old friends was wiped out. I felt hopeless, unenthusiastic, and preemptively tired. When the fateful day finally rolled around, I was physically sick, my stomach was in knots and turning in ways I had never felt before, and I realized just how bad my social anxiety had become.

I started the process again: observe and acclimate; figure out who someone is and mould myself to fit that. And like a charm, it worked. Despite my inner turmoil, I came across somewhat confident and interesting, but I felt no sense of relief. Instead, I found myself thinking, “Is this what I have to do for the rest of my life? Pretend so people will like me?” I remember being in my room on the first day of school and looking out the window listlessly. I felt so demoralized, the issue of making friends a trivial issue in the face of the much bigger problem: being understood.

🌱 The Friendship That Changed Everything

Then I met a girl that changed everything. Every time I would speak to her and begin my process of monitoring and adjusting my personality to hers, I couldn’t quite gauge her. My overly exaggerated character would fall flat when I was around her, and it frustrated me. I thought, “How could anyone not like me? I have this down to a science now. I’m the most palatable person you’ll ever meet.” One day we had a conversation—I can’t remember what it was about now—all I know is she said, “What do you think?” I stared at her blankly as she waited for a reply. “I don’t know,” I finally said, and her face fell. That’s when it dawned on me that she wasn’t looking for me to be her carbon copy and give her answers she wanted to hear, she genuinely wanted to know… me. So I gave her my real answer, the politically incorrect, authentic, undiplomatic answer, and she laughed. I was so surprised. Surprised she actually cared to know about my opinion, and surprised she didn’t judge me when I told her. So I opened up more and more, and the more I did, the closer we became.

It was a scary feeling. As someone who was used to being my own best friend and never being vulnerable with people, having someone who genuinely acknowledged and loved me for me was scary. I constantly thought, “What if I say something too out of pocket one day?” and “What if she finds out something about me she doesn’t like? Will we stop being friends?” Somehow that possibility was scarier than all the fear and anxiety I had felt about friendships before. She saw me, and she liked what she saw. She didn’t want me to change, she wanted to be friends with me exactly as I am. The boring and the jaded parts and everything in between.

🤝 What Friendship Really Means

Thankfully, I can tell you guys we’re still friends. She changed the definition of friendship for me. Actually, she showed me what friendship even means. It doesn’t mean blindly affirming someone’s every thought despite yourself, and it doesn’t mean performing like a circus animal so someone will accept you. It’s being yourself—whether you’re loud, quiet, shy, temperamental—and knowing that your friend is happy to see you through it all. In return, it means hearing them, listening to what they’re saying, and sharing your own thoughts and experiences with them. It’s telling them your genuine opinion even when they may not like what they hear and loving them enough to always want the best for them. True friendship isn’t a transaction, it’s an experience. It’s pouring into each other and growing together and experiencing life and love and conflict and working through it.

💡 The Space to Be Yourself

I get it. There are a lot of areas in life where we need to perform: in our schoolwork, with our coworkers and managers to keep our jobs, but friendship shouldn’t be one of those areas. Friendship should be a respite from that and a space for you to be sincerely yourself. If you’ve struggled to form genuine friendships with people, it’s probably because they don’t really know you. Don’t do yourself a disservice by diminishing who you are for someone’s benefit. As a seasoned introvert, I can tell you, it’s much more enjoyable to be alone than it is to contort yourself into who you think someone wants you to be. So slowly but surely, I encourage you to be your true self with the people around you. If they don’t like it, at least you know not to waste your time with them, but I assure you, there will be someone that not only appreciates your honesty, but finds it refreshing and magnetic. That’s the person for you.

So I have this bad habit of postponing my happiness to a later time. I always tell myself, “When I have more time” or “After my exams” I’ll do the things that fulfill me and honestly, I think that tends to make things worse. I’m beginning to realise that when we put off doing things that make us feel like ourselves, that make us feel motivated and propel us toward our dreams, it does more harm than good. After all, how can we perform in the areas of our lives where we’re obligated to show up if we can’t even show up for ourselves.

So…

I’ve decided I’m just going to write how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been doing, just write something all the time. Because reading good books and writing to express myself has always been my form of catharsis. I miss that side of me and since having more responsibilities, especially since joining university, I’ve barely acknowledged it let alone nurtured it.

For context guys, I’m a student going into my 3rd year of university. I would say I’m an Actuarial Science student but I’m not so sure if that’s the path I want to take anymore. Actually, I’d say I’m pretty sure it’s not the path I want to choose. If you read my post yesterday, you’d know I feel like there’s so many ways my life could go right now, but the one that’s most coveted in my mind (and the one I feel like is the most unrealistic) is writing. If I could just write, whether that be ghostwriting people’s blogs and newsletters or content writing or even sales writing for a living I’d consider myself lucky. My absolute dream would be to have my own paid newsletter and write about whatever topics I want to, which I guess is the same as this except I’d be getting paid. 😍I just see myself doing something involving writing which, if you know anything about ActSci, is not what I’d be doing if I continue on this path.

So how’d I even end up here? Well, aside from writing, I’ve also had an affinity for math. Especially algebra and calculus. I love solving long equations and seeing everything neatly resolve itself in the end. I love the sense of satisfaction I feel after mastering a difficult concept or finally getting the right answer on a question. Plus, something about the black and white answers - the fact that you’re either right or wrong - soothes my brain. So naturally, I assumed I would pursue a degree and a career in something math related (cause there was no way my African parents were going to pay international fees for me to study writing 😀). Now, I’m not saying I’m going into third year and all of a sudden I hate math. I still enjoy it a lot. I just feel like I’m reaching a crucial point in my life where I could push through, finish this degree and try to become an actuary or I could follow my lifelong passion and actually give it a fair chance.

Trust me guys, I’m not someone to abandon something halfway just because it’s hard. At the end of the day, even if I don’t pursue Actuarial Science, I’m still going to do something math related in school - probably Financial Modelling or Statistics - that’s not the point. I just have this niggling feeling that the further I go pretending I’m enjoying this degree and pretending I have it figured out the worse it’s going to be for me in the end. It’s not like I’m trying to be pessimistic, but I can’t help but think, “If I’m going to be struggling this hard it might as well be at something I’m passionate about.”

This whole time - I’d say for the past two years - I’ve been putting my writing on the back-burner because I keep telling myself I need to focus on school and, unfortunately, not only has it made me miserable, it’s made me resent my education a little bit. Now, every time I take a new course or do an assignment or study for an exam, I’m thinking about how I’d much rather be doing anything else, and I begin to berate myself for choosing the “responsible” decision when it wasn’t what I really wanted. I chose this degree, this career because I felt indebted to my parents, because it “just made sense” from an outsider’s perspective. For people that have known me since I was younger, a degree in math is in kind with my personality - but I know better. A part of me wishes I would have thrown caution to the wind and just done what I wanted instead of trying to ascertain what would look best to others.

I guess that’s why I’ve started writing again, to take some of the power back and finally do something I care about without feeling guilty that it’s taking time away from the things I should be doing. Writing is one of the only times I feel like the old me, the one that was self assured and unafraid to say how she felt. So even if I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do or where my life is going to take me, at least I can carve out these times of peace and quiet to release my thoughts onto a blank page and be honest with myself for once. If you guys are in the same position please tell me how you’re getting through it. Or if you’ve emerged on the other side of this situation unscathed, share some of your wisdom with me. I'm in desperate need. 🙏🏾🧍🏾‍♀️

Anyways thank you guys for listening to that hectic inner monologue, hopefully I can write something more coherent and feel-good in the future. :)

I’m not a nostalgic person - but recently I feel that I might be becoming one. I’m only 20. For all intents and purposes, I’m still young. But sometimes I feel this ache for the comfortability of being 16 and 17, when life was predictable and I enjoyed everyday - even looked forward to every day. I miss being 13 and 14 when I would se my family each day and when I took it for granted, before I moved away for university. I miss being so sure of myself, being able to tell people “This is the kind of person I am” without even batting an eye because I was sure it was true.

Now everything’s so uncertain. Even when I say things like “I’m not that nostalgic and sentimental” I’m not sure if that’s necessarily true. It’s more accurate to say I wasn’t that nostalgic or sentimental in the past because this new version of me doesn’t know who she is at all. As I’ve gotten older I’ve begun to change and sometimes it’s hard to reconcile who I was with who I’m becoming. I often ask myself, “Are these changes me evolving, or me discarding everything that makes me fundamentally me?” It’s scary because I don’t want to lose myself. I never want to start behaving or thinking in a way that isn’t true to me but sometimes when I try and behave the way I used to when I was 16, it doesn’t feel authentic anymore either and that’s terrifying. That girl definitely knew who she was and if I’m not her then who am I?

I know it sounds like I’m having an existential crisis but I really just feel like this is such a pivotal moment in my life. It’s like there’s a myriad of paths opening up before me and I simply don’t know which one to choose. There’s so many places I could take my life and I’m so afraid to mess up and pick the wrong one that it’s left me paralyzed.

What if I end up doing something, making a monumental life decision, only to regret it later?

The scariest part is there’s no reassurance, no safety net. I feel like up till this point I’ve always had a contingency plan, “If this school doesn't work out, I have a back up plan” or “Even if I mess up right now, I’ll get my grade up with the next test” but now the decisions I’m faced with aren’t as trivial as a bad grade, they affect the rest of my life. What if I don’t succeed in the career I’m working towards? What if I’m not able to live the life I’ve always envisioned for myself? What if I try so hard to be who I think I should for other people that I end up hating myself in the process? There’s no contingency plan for that.

I think I’m not catastrophizing but that’s just how I feel right now.

I’m glad for platforms like this, though, because at least I get to articulate how I feel instead of keeping everything inside - I’d probably end up imploding. You guys are so real with everything you’re going through, it almost gives me permission to voice these anxieties and fears without feeling paranoid. I’m also grateful because I feel like here I don’t need to wrap up my posts with some profound lesson I’ve learned or some meaningful call to action for you guys. I can just exist right now, in the confusion and distress and it’s allowed. It’s okay. It gives me hope that when I figure all this stuff out, I can come back and tell you guys that it worked out for me, and if that’s possible then whatever storm you’re going through will work out for you too. <3

The Panic at 20 🚨

Honestly, I turned 20 last month and the panic hit me like a semi truck. I’m so used to knowing what I’m doing and where I’m going. Whether that’s working towards writing exams, applying for schools or taking summer classes - now that I’m older though, the world is like a gaping chasm of possibility, and not in a good way.

Listen, I love being young and feeling like there’s so much I could do with my life. But I also hate the feeling of not knowing. I guess I’m a bit of a control freak, I just like to know where I’m headed, even if it’s only a vague idea. I think that’s why I liked school so much and why I was good at it. It was structured. You studied for your exams and if you did well, you progressed. It was a simple system of sowing and reaping.

When the System Stops 🛑

Now people I know are working, some have started families, some are travelling, and I just feel… paralyzed. Paralyzed by the endless choices of what my life could be. I feel like I should know what I want to do. I should have a yearning to travel or to get married or further my career, but instead, I just want to know what the next step is.

I want someone to hold my hand and say, “Here honey, this is what you need to do right now. If you just do this, everything will work out.”

What School Didn’t Teach Me 🎒

I think that’s one of the pitfalls of learning to study the way I did. I accepted that as long as you work hard and do as you’re told, everything will eventually fall into place. You’ll succeed.

I almost wish my teachers and people around me had told me to stop looking in the textbook for answers and start experiencing life. Start finding my answers from trying things and making mistakes and pushing past the awkwardness and embarrassment.

I really admire people that aren’t afraid to start a business or a podcast or even make a YouTube channel, because I’m sure they experience the same feelings of self-doubt and hesitation as I do, but they don’t let it control them.

Sure, we’re all on different paths, we’re not all meant to be entrepreneurs or content creators, but I think more of us would feel fulfilled if we just did what was in our hearts without worrying about what people thought of us.

Your Younger Self as Your Guide 🧒✨

Something that’s been helping me is considering how my younger self would feel and trying to be someone she would look up to. I doubt she would measure my worth by how many exams I’ve passed or how good my grades are, but by how I live my life daily.

She would ask me, “When you wake up every day, how do you feel? Are you excited? Are you happy?” and the truth is, not really.

As I’ve gotten older, the pressure to repay my parents for everything they’ve invested into my education, to become someone they can be proud of, to make good money and support myself, to not be a burden, all that has overshadowed my desire to wake up every day and love what I do.

I stopped putting myself first and this year it took a toll on me heavily.

Of course, I’m not trying to encourage anyone to disregard how their loved ones feel, but I don’t think you should want to please people so much that you neglect yourself. I actually think that’s where the crises begin.

It’s Not Just About Survival 💡

You tell yourself, “Before I can be happy, I need to make money,” or “I just need to get through this degree.” Believe me guys, I’m not one to talk - these are things I’ve told myself time and time again - but I’m now trying to unlearn that kind of reasoning because I’m realizing how backwards it is.

Your parents, friends, and loved ones want you to be safe, healthy and happy more than they want you to be “successful”. They would never support you overworking yourself -casting aside your dreams and aspirations - to make them happy.

That’s why I think it’s important to do something, even if it’s literally just one thing every day, that brings you purpose. A hobby, sport, a TV show or journal entry, anything.

If you do something that fulfills you, it may not change your reality, but at least you can rest assured that you’re honouring your younger self, and I can promise you that if you do that, you’re doing enough. 🌱

Avoiding the Real Regret 😣

We’re not superhuman. We get tired and depleted when we stretch ourselves too thin, and we also don’t live in a fairytale. So yes, there are a lot of things we must do just to survive before we can even think about what we truly want.

But it becomes much easier to see the hope and joy in your everyday life when you’re actually living the way you want to, not how you believe you should.

I’m sure everyone would agree that regret is one of the most painful emotions. Feeling like you could have done something and didn’t hurts way more than trying and failing.

If we try as best we can to remind ourselves of what makes us… well, us, we’re already on the right track to avoid crises and feel content with our lives well into our twenties, thirties, and even old age.

So try and find the light in your current situation, and make your inner child smile. <3

I’m gonna be honest guys, I’ve been struggling recently. I hate to be the person bringing negativity onto this app especially when there are so many inspiring and uplifting things to see but I felt it would be disingenuous to write something feel-good or positive when I’m not feeling that way.

Read more

One of the most impactful characters for me wasn’t Sasuke or the eponymous Naruto Uzumaki, but the Fifth Kazekage I came to know and love: Gaara.

🌒🩸 The First Time I Saw Gaara

I distinctly remember the feeling of foreboding I felt when I watched Gaara’s introduction in the show. Here was a character who seemed sinister, with dark, menacing eyes, a cryptic tattoo on his forehead and an eerie presence that made it seem like he was always watching. I remember being terrified of him without even knowing why — I just knew he would be one of the most important characters in the series.

Naruto is a show that frequently highlights themes of loneliness and isolation. From Naruto’s experience being ostracized by the village, to the loneliness Sasuke felt as the sole survivor of the Uchiha clan — the show just has a way of recognizing the feeling of being an anomaly, of feeling like the only person in the world that’s experiencing something. At the time I watched it, I was facing those feelings too and I remember the relief that flooded my chest as it dawned on me that it was possible to overcome them; to not let them control you.

🕸️👤 Loneliness

As I said, the show didn’t shy away at all from exploring ideas like seclusion and solitude but in my opinion, nowhere was the concept more poignantly showcased than in Gaara’s story. As the plot unfolds and we learn more about Gaara’s inner workings and why he is the way he is. He’s hurt as a child by the people he loved. The people who were meant to protect him turned out to be the source of his pain. When we first meet him, betrayal, hurt and anger, resound in every word he speaks. He wasn’t trying to make the most of his situation like Naruto or quietly brooding like Sasuke, he was jaded and deeply mistrustful.

I was taken aback at first by his overwhelming bloodlust, but the more I learned about his backstory, the more I began to see myself in him. I, too, pushed people away because I was afraid of being hurt, afraid to be vulnerable and have the very people I trusted use my weakness against me. I was jaded and that realisation confronted me so boldly in Gaara’s character that I had no choice but to watch. I waited with bated breath to see how he resolved his dilemma because if he could, maybe there was hope for me too.

🪞🧷 What Gaara taught me about myself

At the time that I found myself identifying with Gaara, I struggled to trust people. Sure, I made people feel as though I was being open and candid with them but it was all a hoax, a way to protect myself from the disappointment and pain I had felt in the past. Consequently, I found myself feeling extremely lonely. Despite being surrounded by friends and family — people who cared about me, inwardly I felt as though no one really understood me and that if I was to show them the true, twisted musings of my mind that they’d shun me; that the smiles and words of encouragement would morph into expressions of shock and disgust. So for the most part, I pretended. It was exhausting trying to present myself as confident and self assured when really I was walking on eggshells trying to micromanage the relationships in my life.

🎞️🔁 The Turning Point

I turned to my comfort show. I rewatched Naruto with new eyes.

I saw Naruto choose joy despite his pain. I saw Itachi shoulder an impossible burden out of love. And I watched Gaara — broken, angry, traumatized — begin to heal. As he watches the headstrong way that Naruto wins people over, not through domineering shows of power but through kindness and genuine conviction, he begins to realise it’s possible to change our fate. He finally understands that what may have turned us into sullen, distrusting people doesn’t have to define us and that the most liberating and empowering thing we can do is let go of that baggage.

After this point in Gaara’s story everything changes. He becomes the fifth Kazakage and goes on to accomplish feats greater than his father and predecessors, however it is clear to us as viewers that had he not let go of the darkness in his past, he would be nowhere near the impactful and inspiring person he turned out to be. In fact, he probably would have let the one-tail’s power consume him instead of learning to coexist peacefully with him.

💌🌿 The Version of Me That’s Not Afraid

It’s been almost 8 years since I first watched the show and I still find new ways to apply the lessons from it into my life. If you’re someone that wrestles with feelings of fear and trepidation due to situations from your past, I encourage you to not only acknowledge and reflect on them, but to actively take steps to heal those parts of yourself and slowly but surely learn to open up your heart again. It’s definitely not easy but something that helped me was recognising that other people aren’t perfect. Sometimes they slip up and say or do things that offend us. Sometimes we are that person for someone else. If we clam up and close off as soon as people hurt us we will never find the beauty and long lasting relationships that come from pushing past that discomfort and finding common ground.

Healing means letting yourself be seen. It means embracing the risk of being misunderstood. But on the other side of that risk is something truly powerful: the version of you that’s no longer afraid to love and be loved. Dealing with people is messy, confusing and at times even tiring, but finding deep meaningful relationships and watching yourself transform into someone unafraid to be themselves, someone ready and willing to look past people’s flaws and love them for who they are? I believe that’s one of the most rewarding and fulfilling parts of the human experience.

🎓 Where It All Began

My education has always been extremely important to me and being a good student came pretty naturally. In primary school, I enjoyed learning; I always wanted to be the best in my class and I carried that attitude forward into my higher education. Throughout the progression of my academic career, I’ve learned how to study in the way that’s best suited to me and although it took a lot of trial and error, I got to a point where I was confident in my abilities and I knew that, if I could just get into a state of deep work and really focus, I could achieve all my academic goals.

🏅 The Identity I Built

I was proud of that. I was proud of my resilience and my determination to find study techniques that helped me succeed and the feeling of triumph and fulfilment when my hard work paid off was unmatched. Unknowingly, I placed a lot of my value and identity in the fact that I am a good student and I wasn’t aware of just how much weight that statement held for me. Being known as a good student became a double edged sword because although it’s a compliment and a testament to my hard work and dedication, once I separated my identity from those words, I was surprised to find there was very little left.

🧯 When the Usual Tools Failed Me

In my last two years of high school and first year of university, I experienced adversity for the first time. Before this point it had been easy. Like I said, if I put in the work, I would see results. Not this time. I would study for hours on end and still end up with mediocre grades that didn’t reflect just how hard I’d been trying and none of the study methods I had used up until that point seemed to be working the way they usually did. This, coupled with the sheer shock and disbelief at not immediately succeeding crushed my self confidence. I started thinking, “I’m not even that smart.” and “What’s even the point of studying when I know I’m not going to excel?” Honestly, I was surprised and ashamed at how easy it was to make me question what I thought was my iron-clad commitment to learning.

🌸 The Shift

As difficult as that period was for me, looking back I see that it was necessary. The trajectory I was on was great — I was hardworking, self motivated and disciplined — but I was severely lacking in other aspects of my life. I didn’t really know myself. If you were to ask me about my aspirations at the time, I would have probably said, “To get good grades and get into a good university”, which I guess is typical of any 16 year old but the point is I was very one dimensional. In my first year of uni, I was finally able to overcome the feelings of shame and disappointment I had in myself and get to know who I am — aside from school and my career-oriented ambitions. I realised that being so consumed with my education and academic aspirations distracted me from thinking deeply about the facets of my life that weren’t so clear cut. Things like hobbies, relationships and my beliefs and philosophies. Being humbled in the years before allowed me to open my mind up and take a more holistic approach to life. Not in a defeatist way but in a genuine, curious way. In hindsight, I’m very grateful for that time because it taught me to nurture the parts of me I had neglected before. I became more serious about my health and fitness goals and rekindled my love for hobbies like reading and watching anime. It was a time to shed the old me, a time to be willing and courageous enough to abandon what I thought I knew and reinvent a version of me that I loved and could be proud of and not just in one area, but as a whole.

🔄 Still Becoming

The reason I’m writing this is because currently I’m going through another phase where I need to accept that I’m not a finished product. I am still a work in progress and most likely I will always be. I got complacent again. I’d gotten used to my routine and life is giving me a wake up call to stop living so passively and to not be afraid to adjust and accommodate for new possibilities. If you’re going through a similar situation, I want to encourage you to not be too hard on yourself at this time. It’s hard to let go of some of the deeply rooted notions we had of ourselves but it’s necessary if we want to evolve. Let me know what activities you practice to keep yourself grounded and make you feel connected to yourself while still making space for the new you. I hope that we can all make progress in whatever parts of our lives we need to cultivate this year and embrace the discomfort that comes with it. 🌻

Hi guys, my name is Kiki and I’m finally taking the plunge and making a blog! I actually already started a blog a couple of years ago, it was mainly about faith and spirituality but the last article I posted was almost a year ago now.🧍🏾‍♀️

📚 why i love writing

I’ve always loved words. Reading, writing – English was my favourite subject in school along with Math. I especially loved reading cute, feel-good, romance novels when I was younger and I’ve always been obsessed with period books: Pride and Prejudice, War and Peace, Wuthering Heights, The Phantom of the Opera, even Moby Dick.

I don’t know why, I think there was just something so refreshing about being whisked off into a different place and time – something so far removed from my reality – that brought me peace. It was like a little respite from the responsibilities of life (granted, I was a kid, I didn’t really have that many responsibilities but you get the gist).

🌀 why i’m starting again

That’s actually a big reason why I wanted to start this blog. In my last one, I began to feel kind of stifled. Initially, I geared it, as I said, towards my religion and my walk with God and I invited a lot of people to read it and even posted it on my Instagram.

It was great at first because it felt like I was doing something meaningful. My words were reaching people and I was constantly getting messages from people, even strangers I’d never met, telling me how impactful my writing was for them. It was more than I had ever hoped for.

🧩 so… why did I stop?

Well, it wasn’t intentional. I loved the blog, I really did, and more so than anything I loved having people relate to my experiences and be moved by my words, but I began to feel stagnant. I had moved halfway across the world, started living in a new city, meeting new people and experiencing a new culture. Everything was happening so fast and before I knew it I was a different person.

Of course, I’m still me: a little pensive, a little bookish, always thinking too much. But it didn’t feel true to me to keep writing about the same things I had when I was 16. I had experienced so much since then and there was a lot more I wanted to share, but it seemed like my readers only wanted to hear particular topics from me and it just didn’t feel like a space where I would be allowed to grow and evolve without judgement. That space stopped feeling like mine.

🌻 reclaiming my space

So I'm starting again. This time, I’m not telling people about it. I’m just doing it – and if people find it, that’s great. Hopefully it’s people that are open-minded and understanding, people who can actually relate to the experiences I want to talk about and most importantly, people who can grow on this journey with me.

✍️ what you can expect

I can’t articulate how excited I am to be writing again, and this time I know I’m doing the right thing because the words are simply pouring out of me. I don’t have to stress out about how I’m coming off, or try to guess how my writing is being perceived by my family and friends. I feel so unfettered and so ready to build a community that understands and connects with me!

So with that being said, I hope you’ll stay and see what I have in store. I plan to post twice a week about topics ranging from:

• books I’ve read recently (obviously),

• anime I’ve been loving,

• more serious topics like reconciling our past selves with the higher version of us we aim to be,

• and how I’m learning to find magic in the mundane and love my life every day.

I’m also open to suggestions so feel free to let me know what you’d like to hear about as well. :)

💖 if you made it here…

If you read up to this point, I love you. ❤️